Dating in the BOI: Ghost of the Ex

Being single — whether it’s in Boise or another city — there’s moments where you feel like there’s a ghost of boyfriend (or girlfriends’) past.

What do I mean?

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on my recent dating experiences and the takeaway from each one. I feel it’s essential given I’m not having the most positive experiences.

(BTW: there’s a few stories I have yet to share. Stay tuned!).

One common denominator is that none of them have elevated to a level of genuine seriousness.  I mean, there is one person I chatted with on the phone (a must for me if I’m investing in getting to know a guy, especially if I can’t see him physically). That won’t lead to anything, especially after meeting him before my trip to Asia.

This is where ghost of boyfriend’s past comes in.

I don’t share much on my blog about my personal life, but I think it’s important for this post.

My most recent relationship was the one where I underwent the most change: love, adoration, pain, hurt, sorrow, laughter.


I met Mr. Handsome (that was my name for him in my cellphone) in late 2012, during my last year of law school. He was my escape. After being highly engaged as a student, I was in need of my own space from my law school duties.

Insert Mr. Handsome.

  • Tall (6’4)
  • Older by 3 years (which I prefer)
  • Dreads
  • Father
  • Worked in education

Over the course of November & December, Mr. Handsome and I had a connection that i hadn’t had since my last boyfriend.


  • Talked on the phone every night during the week (he had his daughter on the weekend due to a temporary custody visit schedule)
  • Met up at a location between our respective places we lived ( i lived in Portland, ME and he lived in Auburn, ME)
  • Usually met either at the LL Bean in Freeport or a McDonald’s in Gray, ME
  • Talked for hours ( I remember he and I being tired the next day because we were out too late)

After about 6 dates or so, he asked me while we were packing up from a night of bowling:

Mr. Handsome: Can we be daters?

Me: Daters?

Mr. Handsome: Yes (shyly).

We’ve been on 6 dates (Mr. Handsome loves numbers and he would remember dates & periods of time).

I thought it was cute, because he was basically asking if we could be exclusive.

That was the beginning. During the course of our relationship, I thought I found my person. He was corky (some thought weird) but ideal for my outgoing personality, introduced me to his interests, we had our own language and ways of talking to each other, and our own routine.

But lots happened in between:

  • Met his little girl (took 6 months to meet her, which I’m proud about)
  • Met his family
  • Moved in together
  • He won primary custody of his daughter
  • Broke up
  • Moved out
  • Got back together
  • Broke up
  • Got engaged
  • Broke up
  • Moved away

Yes, did you catch that? We were engaged.

See, the thing is that our relationship was complex, filled with raw emotions, real substantive heavy issues, and lots of back and forth. I thought engagement would be the best next step.

No, unfortunately not.

I’ll just say this: sometimes you can’t fall in love with the potential or hope of what the person will become. Mr. Handsome had (hopefully past tense) deeper issues that would rise to the surface . I don’t question whether or not he cared for me, but he couldn’t reciprocate the love I needed in return.

Thus, broken engagement left me distraught and having to leave the life I built in Maine.

Now, I’m here in Boise, living a life I always imagined. Working in a field I love, enjoying new experiences, meeting new people.

So why am I saying all of this?

I know a few of you who read my blogs (thank you!), whether married or single, go through the motions of relationships. If you’re single like me, there will be moments where you think of the times with those from your past.

Last year before moving to Boise, I wouldn’t entertain those thoughts. I buried them so deep inside, I’d forget about my time with my ex, the life we could of had, and the life I left in Maine.

With these recent dating experiences, I’m  realizing I’m attempting to absolve myself with any thoughts of my previous life. Most of these dates have been fillers — people I entertain for the hell of it.

The issue with this method is that nothing is absolved. It’s a temporary fix. None of them give me that feeling of Yes, I’d like to learn more about him. Don’t get me wrong, some I’ve had a connection with. Maybe it’s a Virgo thing or maybe it’s my personality (or a little bit of both), I don’t quickly fall for someone. Honestly, it takes me quite some time to establish a real connection with another person. I do not share the “real” me until I feel they are worthy.

I’m using this post to celebrate what I’ve got from my past relationship with Mr. Handsome, and remember that I’ll meet someone again that’ll give me that feeling.

Artifacts from the Ex:

  • Enjoy watching English Premier league and US Soccer
  • Hard to listen to Bob Marley Songs
  • My jeep (his dad helped me select it when car shopping)
  • Blue Memphis sweatshirt
  • My gray calf boots (his mom gave them to me)
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Tirtles (his daughter loved watching the cartoon)
  • Can’t drink Blue Moon (his fav)
  • Hard to look at lead singer of Rage Against the Machine (someone said he looks like him when he had dreads)
  • Appreciation for running (his fav way to stay in shape)
  • Learning that I cannot wait for the day to become a mother

When dating someone who has children from a previous relationship, it can be challenging — especially if you break up. The hardest part of the breakup was saying goodbye to his little girl. I lived with her for over a year. My bond with her was deep, rich, and impacted me in ways I can never truly express in words. From her hugs to her personalized handmade letters, she gave me a snippet into what life may be like as a (then) step mom. Saying goodbye was heart wrenching and a moment of my life I would not want to re-live.

Moving forward, I plan to focus on my priorities. And I’ll admit (finally), dating isn’t one of them. I’m no longer interested in spending time on the whole let-me-get-to-know-you show.

  • Wasting time respond to a text
  • No longer responding to subtle attempts to seek attention
  • Deactivate my dating profiles
  • Cutting someone out the moment they play stupid & ridiculous games

These next months, I’m going to Date Myself.

Yes, that’s what I said.

Do things I’ve put in the back burner, such as:

  • Get back into running
  • Get back into reading
  • Get back to aimlessly roaming a city with no expectations
  • Get back into going out with my girls
  • Get back to event planning & having a good ol’ time
  • Get back to ME

Ghost of boyfriend’s past is a reality. I acknowledge it, and I’ve grown from it. Cheers to new beginnings and always believing in love and finding the one who fits you best.



Dating in the BOI: 7 Type of Guys On Tinder

I know you’ve heard me talk about Tinder, and let’s not forget my most recent experience with Mr. McNasty. 

These Tinder pitfalls had me think about the type of guys I’ve come across while a single on Tinder. Of course, my list does not paint a general brush of ALL men on Tinder. That would be 1)wrong and 2) unfair to those decent men on Tinder.

Based on my experiences, here are my 7 type of guys you’ll find on Tinder:


On the surface, this does NOT seem like a horrible characteristics of a Tinder profile. It is an issue, however, if ALL of the photos are with his friends. I mean, should I have to play HIDE AND SEEK when looking at a profile?

I wonder who the guy is.

No, that’s not what I want to play when I’m already on a dating app.

Makes me wonder if this a strategic move, especially if it appears most of the friends in the photo are relatively attractive.

Or tall.

Or smiling.

Dating in the BOI Tip: It’s normal to have photos of your friends. Just don’t make them ALL of your photos.


Nothing is wrong with a selfie — here and there. It’s a whole other ballgame when EACH and EVERY photo is a selfie. Let’s review the type of selfies I’ve seen:

  • Duck face selfie
  • Just-worked-out selfie
  • In-my-car-casually-driving selfie
  • After-shower selfie
  • I’m-trying-but-not-trying selfie

Dating in the BOI Tip: Please don’t bombard your entire Tinder profile to all selfies. It makes it seem you are obsessed wit your looks.


I mentioned this in my Guys You Find on POF blog post. It’s basically Mr. Time Suck.  Here’s a typical conversation:

Mr. Nowhere Land: Hey, what’s up?

Me: Nothing much. How are you?

Mr. Nowhere Land: Nothing much.

Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Why start a conversation if CONVERSING is not your purpose.

Dating in the BOI tip: Don’t embark on the journey to nowhere land.


Unlike Bumble (app allegedly to be female-friendly where the female has to initiate the conversation), the unspoken rule of Tinder is the man initiates the conversation after he matches. It’s intimidating to send a man a message, especially for a woman, because we don’t want to seem like 1) we are CHASING the guy and 2) we seem DESPERATE. I typically give a guy I matched with 2 weeks before I write him off. I’ve had experiences where they haven’t logged into Tinder for a few days or even weeks. I believe this because I do it!

Disclaimer: this is an unspoken rule, and it applies to my heterosexual experiences.

I have PLENTY of idle matches sitting in my Tinder app. And, most likely, they will remain idle.


There was this one match on Tinder, and he was so eager to meet. He would consistently message me, and I was interested. When it came time to finalize the details, I would get a constant “reschedule” or a “too busy.”

Buddy, really?!

OK, that’s fine by me. I  K.I.M (KEEP IT MOVING) when it comes to these type of guys. If you are not careful, this person will ultimately become a TIME WASTER!


Like with the guy who has only photos with his bros/friends, there is also the guy who only has photos with girls. And these are the photos with NO explanation (for example: my sister, my cousin, etc.). I question some accounts where there is only photo of women because I wonder:

1) is this a couple looking to spice up their love life?

2) does this guy want to brag about his contact with beautiful women?

3) are these past girlfriends he is showing off?

I have no clue. But whatever the reason is, I swipe LEFT. No interest whatsoever.

Dating in the BOI tip: Diversify your photos. More importantly, if you have photos with other women, it’s best to clarify it in your bio. Don’t leave it up for interpretation, unless that’s your point.


Have you ever had to delete & re-download the Tinder app? Yes, I have. I deleted it a few months back, then I re-downloaded it soon thereafter. That said, there has been moments where I have matched…

and matched…

and matched with the SAME GUY.

This situation has occurred multiple times here in Boise!

What’s more comical is that these guys have evolved into #4 above: GUY WHO NEVER MESSAGES.

This  is my take on the 7 most common type of guys I’ve seen on Tinder. There are a few who I haven’t categorized (like Mr. McNasty), but this is a common thread I’ve seen over the course of my time on Tinder!

Do YOU have a horrible Tinder story?

What about a success story?

I’d LOVE to hear it! Send an email to

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